“I was destined to take root in France. I know that now, even if I didn’t know it back when I had the dream.”
These are the opening sentences of A Lady in France, Jennie Goutet’s memoir which I’ve read now twice and loved.
You see, I’ve lived within a 45-mile stretch of California for 45 years (see also: my entire life) and have been outside the U.S. only a handful of times. A small handful, at that.
Jennie, by contrast, has lived on several continents, speaks multiple languages, and maintains a group of friends whose diversity rivals the United Nations. She once dreamed she’d marry a French man, then watched her dream unfold into reality.
But that’s only a part of her fascinating story.
There is a rawness and truth about Jennie Goutet. She’s unassuming and gentle. Funny. Real. Her words are straightforward – not at all flowery or sentimental – yet the sentences she strings together are so lovely, you feel as if you’re eating the food she has cooked or smelling the plants in her garden; listening to the laughter of her children; holding her hand.
Her hand is warm and welcoming, just like you knew it would be.
Of course, I’ve never held Jennie’s hand. She lives in France now and – well – I don’t leave the country. Much. Still, I traveled with her on every page of A Lady in France. She took me to Taiwan and the Philippines; Somaliland and Djibouti. To New York and then to Paris.
My heart broke for her in times of loss and soared with her in times of joy.
Although she writes about motherhood and marriage, addiction and anxiety, Jennie’s story is – at its core – a journey of her faith. In the three-part memoir, she details her calls to Christianity (the times she did not answer God and, ultimately, the time she did).
With unflinching honesty, she recalls days of doubt and dark struggles alongside moments of hope and strength.
Jennie sugarcoats nothing about her life, examining both the blessings and the hardships (physical, psychological, spiritual); and although her experiences are one-of-a-kind, the universality of her search for belonging and goodness speaks to me.
We have never met and yet I still feel connected to Jennie. In this book and on her blog, she’s as open and accepting as anyone I’ve known. I hope to greet her in person one day. To hug her and breathe in the same fresh air.
If you read her memoir, I know you will feel it, too: friendship stretching across the miles; love triumphing over time.
You can buy A Lady in France – either in print and/or electronic – at amazon.com.
Then leave a comment here sharing where else in the world you would live, if you could. You might win a copy of Jennie’s book. I’m giving one away because I love it so much.
And I love her.
You will, too.
I’m sure of it.
For the first time in ten years, I did not write a Christmas poem.
(Cue the sobs or cheers depending upon how you feel about Christmas poems.)
Before you get too excited or depressed however, please remember you’re reading this which constitutes something perhaps worse. Or better.
That’s right: The Holiday Letter.
Why a letter? Well, I loved last year’s poem so much I didn’t think I could match it. Also, 2013 was just plain weird and there aren’t a lot of rhymes for Landlady from Hell. Or Insurance Adjuster. Or Fire Truck. (Trust me on this one, okay?)
‘Twas three weeks after Christmas when in our garage,
Some flames started cooking and – Dang. Nothing rhymes with garage, either.
(Now, if you’re thinking ‘barrage’ does. Ha! Julie really dropped the ball on this one, well. You’re my kind of people.)
I didn’t want to belabor the challenges of the past eleven months but I couldn’t completely ignore them, either. The whole fire ordeal was too big and too long and too much. So. I decided instead to make two lists: One for things that changed for us, one for things that didn’t change. At least not much.
What Did Change:
- Our garage door. And our roof. And the driveway, my car, and everything inside our garage and basically the entire garage because it was gone.
- Our exterior paint and stucco (much to the chagrin of our Home Owner’s Association) and also the interior paint and drywall and our flooring (which the HOA doesn’t care about).
- Our electronics and beds and pillows and cushions and anything that needed to be plugged in or turned on (don’t giggle) and our curtains and shades and stuffed animals and lots of books.
- Our address. (For five months while they rebuilt our home and we rented the house of the Landlady from Hell. Go ahead. Try to rhyme it. She won’t let you.)
- Our perspective.
This last one’s tricky. We were already a pretty grateful family but WOW did the fire give us a quick booster shot of HERE’S WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT IN LIFE AND GUESS WHAT IT’S NOT STUFF.
(But you knew that already, didn’t you, Smartypants?)
What Didn’t Change:
- My crow’s feet and gray hair, dang it. They’re still here. I blame the writing. (I’m not sure why, but let’s go with it.)
- Bill’s work ethic. (Someone has to make money while I make gray hair and crow’s feet.)
- Karly’s height. (Sorry, Baby. I think you’re stuck at five feet tall but at least you’re the sweetest person who ever lived.)
- Jack’s sense of humor. (Sorry, Baby. I don’t know what one snowman said to the other snowman* but at least you’re the most hilarious person who ever lived.)
- Our unending love for our friends and our family
and for these two
and these two
who now look like these two
and for you and for each other, multiplied by forever = all the math I care to do today. Or forever.
So in the end, the things that matter didn’t change. We’re still here. We’re still good. We’re still imperfect people trying to be better. And in 2014, we will keep trying. And trying.
May this New Year bring you all the Changes you wish for and the Not-changes you need. (And the wisdom to know the difference. Or something like that.)
With much love (multiplied by forever),
*“Smells like carrots.” Duh.
One of my favorite quotations comes from T.S. Eliot:
“The poet is occupied with frontiers of consciousness beyond which words fail, though meanings still exist.”
I wrote this statement on an index card I kept tacked to the wall above my desk for sixteen years. In that time, I also wrote some terrible poetry but that’s a different story, entirely; one I’ll likely never tell.
What strikes me most about Eliot’s statement is his recognition that we have experiences, sentiment, insights we cannot verbalize – at least not easily – no matter how earnestly we may wish to share them.
The writer seeks to capture an erupting emotion but the subject, the verb, the objects do not cooperate. A precise adjective slips away. An adverb (rarely, please) proves elusive.
Still, I try.
I believe in vain that if I keep at it long enough, if I swap words or manipulate syntax one more time, I’ll get it right. But at what point do I stop? When do I accept what I’ve written is the best it will be? I’ve yet to find the answer to this question no matter how often I turn to T.S. Eliot.
My students used to struggle with their essays. “I know this paragraph sucks,” they’d admit with a shrug to which I would respond, “Then fix it.”
They’d look at me as if I were speaking Latin.
“I can’t fix it, Mrs. Gardner. It’s already written.”
This was one-part laziness, two-parts not realizing their own power over words. I used to remind my students they were the ones in charge. Words do not control you. Words are not alive. They exist for your use. You control the words. So if they aren’t right, keep working on them until they are.
I find this advice humorous now.
How do we know when our work is right?
When I read something I’ve written – a sentence or two paragraphs, an entire page – I often feel as if I’m playing with fresh clay. (I’ll refrain from saying literally here because I know my words aren’t actually clay; yet they feel pliable, something I can push or pull, shift at will.)
I revisit my work again and again, making changes large and small, over and over.
Sometimes what I read seems written by a stranger, appearing on my screen as if by magic.
I came up with that? Huh.
Just as often, I don’t see what I’ve said at all, but instead see what I think I meant to say.
Eventually the time comes when I approach a piece I’ve been picking at for many hours (days, months, years) and the sentences have hardened. They feel like old clay that cannot be shaped anymore. Not without cracking the pot.
Is it funny? Poignant?
Did I accidentally use Latin?
It doesn’t matter. For better or worse, the words are done and I have to let them go even if I suspect they aren’t quite right.
So my friends – whether you are writing or parenting, spouse-ing or human be-ing –
I ask you this:
How do you know when your best is good enough and how do you move forward if it isn’t?
This past weekend, Bill and I went away for a belated celebration of our wedding anniversary and a pre-celebration of my upcoming birthday.
We drove three hours north to Paso Robles while our teenagers stayed home by themselves. For the first time. Ever.
When asked how they’d feel about being left alone, both kids were amenable without being overeager (a small comfort to parents who remember Risky Business all too well).
We then called upon no fewer than six different families (including our next-door neighbors) to be available for contingencies; and as the date approached, we asked Jack and Karly repeatedly if they were still on board.
Some may think this is overkill; others probably think we were insane to leave them at all. To these people, I offer this simple statement:
We know our kids.
For their part, Jack and Karly loved their temporary freedom, rising to the occasion with unexpected kindness toward each other and appreciation of us. When I thanked them for supporting our little vacation, Karly admitted this:
“Mom. It was a little vacation for us, too.”
Indeed, it was.
They got to eat the junk they craved and rest when they were tired. Instead of me nagging them about homework and cleaning up, they simply did it – at some point – on their own.
Because we let them, they took care of their chores, our dogs. Each other.
Of course we were nervous and yes, we missed our kids. They might have missed us back.
But if not, that’s okay, too. That’s not what this is about.
It’s about preparing them to be on their own as much as preparing ourselves to live without our babies sleeping under this roof each night.
It’s the catching of breath each time Jack steps out of the house, his wallet and keys in hand. It’s the details untold after a “Tell me everything!” when Karly returns from her first day of high school.
This tenuous balance of holding on and letting go leaves us grasping at please be carefuls and I love you, toos with crossed fingers and racing hearts.
I know there will be mistakes to forgive and successes to cheer. For them. For us.
But ready or not, they’re building their own lives. It’s our job to give them the tools to do it – brick by brick, breath by breath…
…and then hope our leaps of faith will earn a win-win for us all.
Speaking of winners:
I can’t think of two more deserving recipients.
As for the rest of you? Go buy Heidi’s book immediately. In fact, go buy a bunch of them. They would make excellent gifts for the holidays.
Just be sure to keep one for yourself.
Another first day of school has come and gone and although I’m a woman of words not numbers, I sit in our silent house and count. My son has only two more “first days” before he graduates from high school.
My daughter, three.
When I took a leave of absence from teaching, they were in elementary school. How is it that these babies have grown so much while I still feel so very much the same?
Five years ago I sat at the computer, my days somewhat flexible for the first time in my adult life, and set goals I hoped were attainable. Among them, these:
– Be the best mom ever!
– Be the best wife ever!
– Write the best book ever!
Okay, that last one was lofty. And yet I approached the road to becoming an author with confidence. I believed I could do it. I would do it. After all, I’d waited forty years for these stars to align. I was prepared for this next step. Our family was ready. Eager, even.
So I wrote. I write. I’ve written.
First a memoir. Then a YA novel. A Women’s Fiction manuscript. Short stories and essays. Blog posts. Words for other sites. Still, the days are short and finding a publisher is long.
Especially when you’re afraid.
Of what, you may ask? Well, pretty much everything. But I’ll start with this:
That my manuscripts won’t find an agent (this happened). That I’ll find an agent but no publisher to buy my book (this also happened).
That I’ll sell my book but people won’t buy it. Or they’ll buy it but give it bad reviews. Or they’ll give it good reviews but I’ll have a deadline for the next book I’ll miss. Or I won’t miss my deadline but my second book will flop and everyone will discover I’m a failure.
(These things did not happen but I frequently lie awake at night afraid of things that have not happened.)
So. I fold laundry and wash dishes. I pack lunches and supervise homework. I walk the dogs, restock pantries, mark calendars. I create lists and check clocks; seek things to accomplish, notice what needs shifting, focus on what remains to be done before before before.
I’m very busy achieving the easy stuff. As for the hard?
I wait. And wait and wait.
“Once my guestroom closet is organized, I’ll begin…”
“After Thanksgiving, I can revise…”
“As soon as we’ve unpacked, I might finish…”
“Until the kids are back in school, I really shouldn’t…”
In the meantime, years go by. Half a decade. A chunk of this lifetime during which I’ve convinced myself I’m suspended – held captive by other obligations. This “other” holds me back from accomplishing what remains. I can’t take risks now because because
It’s easier to view the world this way. Easier to believe it’s not your fault you haven’t quite hit your goal (although you’ve certainly made strides). Easier to accept you haven’t realized your dream (although, indeed, it has at times been close enough to taste).
I want Jack and Karly to witness perseverance; to learn they can’t cross the finish line if they place their ribbon in the after after after.
They need a mother who writes and revises and queries and brushes off rejection to begin the process all over again. And so I will.
Because I want them to believe they can accomplish anything if they don’t give up.
I want them to believe, in this small way, that I am brave.
Now, for an example of true bravery, you must read Heidi Cave’s extraordinary memoir, Fancy Feet.
Her story will move you, challenge you, make you believe nothing is impossible.
Hope resonates throughout Heidi’s recounting of a horrific car crash that almost killed her; the breakdown and rebuilding of a broken body and spirit.
Heidi’s journey also plays out in quieter moments: A stoic father saying the words, “I love you.” A hospital orderly helping her wash her face each evening. A future husband bringing her a cup of lemonade.
In each chapter of this book, Heidi’s raw, truthful words depict strength in the midst of unimaginable pain. The sharing of her grief, her determination, her healing is simply breathtaking.
There was so much to live for, she writes in her parting line. So much, indeed.
Please leave a comment sharing what you wish you were brave enough to do and one of you will be selected to receive a signed copy of Heidi Cave’s Fancy Feet.
The rest of you should buy a copy here. Then go be BRAVE.
Yes, you. And you.
So when asked to take a picture to promote this book
(IN WHICH I HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HEAR)
I had to borrow lip gloss from my daughter Karly.
(Although I’d like to think she doesn’t wear this color on her own mouth very often.)
Still, I was determined to work something out for an author bio picture because ohmigosh someone (and by “someone” I mean the amazing Leslie Marinelli) let me be in this book.
I decided I probably needed some nail polish (also borrowed from Karly) and then I dragged a blue bandanna out of Bill’s sock drawer. He wears them to keep the sweat off his brow while running so you can imagine how much I loved tying this onto my own head.
But it was worth it because y’all? I’m a published author.
What’s the book about, you ask? I’m so glad you did. Here’s a blurb from the back cover because I’m still reeling from the bandanna and can’t find the right words to say it myself:
“You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth” is a hilarious collection of true tales by women, for women, about being women—bodily changes, relationships, careers, motherhood, aging, illness, and more—written with the humor and grit that proudly sets In The Powder Room apart.
But be forewarned: we’re holding nothing back. We’re revealing our funniest deep dark secrets—because it’s through our most vulnerable and honest moments that we forge the strongest connections and discover we aren’t so alone after all.
I still can’t believe Leslie picked me, but she can’t back out now because TOO LATE!
For a list of all the fabulous authors in this anthology, visit at In The Powder Room.
And to order the book (because you KNOW you want to) visit my author page at Amazon.
That’s right. I have a freakin’ author page. Who knew I could make one of those?
Well, apparently my mother always believed in me.
And probably Bill, although he does NOT know I borrowed his bandanna for this picture yet. Do you think he’ll forgive me?
Because he looks so much better in it than his wife. With or without the lipstick.
Now please. At the risk of sounding needy, go buy this book here so I can start saving up for my own lipstick and nail polish. (I think my bandanna days are officially over, though.)
I really do love you all.
And a huge thank you to the co-authors. Because of you I get to put this picture…
And in case that isn’t awesome enough, there’s this:
(That’s our book on Amazon right next to David Sedaris. DAVID SEDARIS!)
Yeah. I have no more words.
(Okay. If you know me that’s not true.)
My grandmother turns 90 tomorrow.
As in ninety years.
As in almost exactly twice my age – which will be 45 in eight weeks unless I discover the fountain of youth between now and October 5th.
(Any hints about its locale will be kept between you, me and Ponce de Leon. Pinkie swear.)
My grandma Renis (which – thankfully – rhymes with “tennis”) was 45 when I was born.
It’s strange for me to consider that when she was my age, Renis Ann Anderson was a grandmother already. Even stranger still to think of her being – like me – a wife and mother. A sister, daughter, friend.
Because grandmas are oatmeal cookies and Shalimar perfume; a sweater over shoulders not yet chilly and bobby pins to keep the hair out of your eyes. They are soft skin and warm embraces; gentle compliments for even sub-par achievements. Enthusiastic claps for performances they’ve already witnessed countless times.
My grandmother is a competitive player of games, a fierce lover of her dog, a devoted wife of 71 years.
She reads my blog posts and the comments (for better or worse); she thinks the oil paintings I created when I was ten are beautiful, that the words I’ve written in this lifetime are genius.
She sees only the best sides of me – by design.
Upon reflection, I think my grandmother is one of the few people on Earth who has been able to love me unconditionally – as I expect I will love my own grandchildren and great-grandchildren, should I be lucky enough to have them.
Someday. Not soon. In fact, I hope much later.
I wonder now if they will look at me then and see who I really am:
A flawed person, whose attempts sometimes end in failure; a girl who has been at times selfish, mean or deceptive; a woman who’s striven to be better in the face of her faltering, who still dares to dream and reach and hope and carry on.
I suppose they won’t.
In fact, we are probably meant to know some people only by their bright and shiny surfaces; their goodness and light. They are our examples, our role models; the ones we seek always to please and to make proud.
I’ve spent more than four decades being a daughter, grandchild, sister, friend. In the past two, I added wife and mother to the mix. Eventually I hope to be a grandma, as well. And spending time with my own grandmother inspires me to make this next half of my life better than the first.
To be better in every way – or at least the ways over which I have control.
I’ve known Renis Ann Anderson my entire life but I’ve witnessed only a sliver of her whole self; her lows and highs, joys and sorrows; her losses, wins and ties. I’ve loved the bright and shiny surface that she’s shown her granddaughters and great grandchildren.
But I also know there’s more to her. And I accept that part, too. Just like she accepts me despite my imperfections.
I hope someday to be worthy of this unconditional love; which means the next forty-five years are going to be busy for us both.
So thank you, Grandma. For all that you are. For all that you’ve done.
And of course for all the oatmeal cookies.
With much (much much much) love,
Are you sick of hearing about our house fire yet?
Don’t worry. I am, too. But bear with me through a final post on the subject.
It’s one I have avoided because I hate to cry when I type. But in the end, this isn’t about me. Not directly.
It’s about an assignment I did with my senior English classes for more than a decade.
On the last day of school, I had my students write letters to themselves which they stamped, addressed and turned in to me. I stored the letters for five years. Then I mailed them back.
My hope was that at the age of 22 or 23, they would read their own words and remember:
What their goals had been. Their interests and concerns. What made them the most happy. What they wished might differ in their lives later on.
Occasionally one of them would ask What if we move?
I had them add alternate addresses in the return-label spot. They’d write email contacts below the seal. I even searched for a few students on Facebook when their envelopes came back to me.
But I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the assignment because it had flaws. I knew some kids would never receive their letters, but I decided that the benefits outweighed the costs.
Then our garage caught fire in January and we lost everything inside. A lot of junk, I’ll admit. But also family pictures and old yearbooks. Boxes from my childhood. Writing journals. Diaries. My wedding dress.
Treasures that remain irreplaceable.
The loss that hurts most, however, is the final box of letters from the Calabasas High School Class of 2008.
This was their year to receive their letters. And I’m so very sorry that they’re gone.
I’m well aware that some students wrote nonsense simply to complete the assignment. Others probably forgot their efforts the moment they handed in their envelopes.
But many took pains to be meaningful. They included poetry and artwork. Phone numbers, prom pictures. A few even contacted me with new addresses, anticipating the day I’d send their letters.
And now they are gone.
Believe me, if I could save only one thing destroyed that day, it would be this box of letters. But since I cannot, I’m writing them this five-year-letter of my own in which I’ll share a few lessons I’ve learned as I move forward in this life.
So here goes.
It’s Mrs. Gardner. Your 12th grade English teacher. You know. The blond lady who was crazy about Hamlet. And all of you. The one who tried to memorize everyone’s name on the first day of school.
Yeah. That one.
I’m going to start with the usual old-person advice for the future.
Examine your life. Change what needs changing and fix what is broken. Important detail: Don’t wait for someone else to do this for you or it will never happen.
Smile and cry and laugh a lot. Both by yourself and then again with others.
Say I’m sorry if you do wrong and when people apologize to you, try to be gracious.
Read a lot, of course.
And get regular check-ups. Eat good food. Keep active but also rest when you are tired. In short, carry your body through this world as if it were precious cargo. Because it is.
You are important to me (still and always) so I ask you first to be safe with your health.
But then I also want you to promise you won’t be safe with your heart.
Take risks and welcome extraordinary opportunities; don’t settle for adequate surfaces. Dig deep until you find what moves the ground beneath you. Love spectacularly, in your loudest voice, ignoring whispered fears that your sentiment won’t be returned.
You are loved already and more than you may realize.
I guarantee that, at the moment of your birth, you began collecting hopeless admirers. So admire them right back; then invite newcomers to join your pack.
Surround yourself with people and things and experiences that are irreplaceable to you, despite the knowledge that such surrender carries with it the potential for great loss.
When you lose something you can’t replace, it means you have connected outside yourself – to someone, some moment, some dream – at a level that cannot be recreated.
But this also means your joys on every other day have been that much brighter and more meaningful for having risked such pain in the first place.
Above all, seek out and spread your light continuously.
Because if that’s not the purpose of life, I don’t know what is.
With great pride and respect,
That crazy Hamlet lady.
(But you can call me Julie, now. Please.)
I like dark comedy. A lot.
So I tried to write something funny about the house fire we had in January.
Gave it the old college try, as they say. Whoever they are.
And the truth is that we have laughed. More than once.
– About the call we received that day from the firewood guy saying he couldn’t deliver our shipment. “I don’t know if you realize this, but your entire street is blocked by fire trucks.” (We were expecting a half-cord of wood when the flames broke out. Hilarious, right?)
-About the bill for the first of several payments on the BRAND NEW BRAKES we’d bought:
(Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. It’s classic!)
Surely a sharper writer could slay a post on the humor that ensues when a family of four (plus two dogs and a guinea pig) are unexpectedly displaced from their home for days, weeks, months. Half a year.
I guess I’m still too tired. Or not tired enough.
But there is a story from that day that haunts me, Scrooge-style. One I feel compelled to share today. I call it A Tale of Two Sirens. Naturally.
Because who doesn’t love Charles Dickens? Besides, of course my 15-year-old son. Nevertheless.
It was best of times, it was the worst of timing.
The afternoon of the fire, Bill had gone for a run, uncharacteristically taking his phone along. (In case the wood guy calls!) When the smoke and flames erupted in our garage, he was on the trails unaware of the drama unfolding at home.
Until our daughter Karly called his cell.
He couldn’t understand her hysterical words. Something about a fire. About our house. Bill began to sprint home hoping he’d misunderstood. Surely we were fine and he’d return to discover I had the situation under control.
Unfortunately, I didn’t. Have the situation under control, I mean.
By the time Karly made her call, I’d surrendered to the inevitable. Our home was burning and I was the adult in charge. The one orchestrating the rescue of our dogs. The one allowing flames and smoke to spread while I struggled to keep everyone safe.
I didn’t want to be in charge, though.
Although the minutes seemed to crawl in my head and heart, the fire department responded quickly and it wasn’t long before I caught the first faint sounds of sirens coming toward us. Like music to my ears. Our salvation.
At the same time, Bill also heard the sirens. For him, the sound confirmed his deepest fears. His family was – quite possibly – in danger and he was a mile away on foot.
I fought tears of relief; he tried not to vomit in terror. The rest of the story doesn’t matter. Not today.
What strikes me is the truth about two people interpreting the same information oppositely. Bill and I are both intelligent and caring. Well-intentioned. Conscientious. And yet.
While I heard the sirens as a blessing, they signaled to him a horror beyond his control.
At the time, no one could’ve convinced us we were wrong; and now I find myself considering other issues we, as a society, debate. Staunch in our convictions, we listen to the same speech but hear it differently. We read the same words, yet the conclusions we draw diverge.
On the economy. Religion. With sex, love and marriage. On public education. Gun control. The environment. And health care. What constitutes good parenting.
Wouldn’t it be helpful if – rather than condemning each other – we assumed most human beings have strong opinions for a reason? That where reason fails, emotion takes its place?
Instead, we dash off wicked remarks, hide behind anonymous comments, spread misinformation with our sweeping generalizations. We do not offer the benefit of the doubt; we highlight maliciousness and ignorance. Instead of requesting clarification, we claim the other side must be selfish or insane.
Perhaps some of us are, in fact, crazy. Ignorant. Even malevolent.
But a difference of opinion doesn’t make this so.
We can be passionate about ideals, driven to effect change, angry when the issue moves us; but when we engage in vitriol and debasement, we lose the message in the noise.
We risk amassing an army that’s fighting an entirely different battle than we intended.
Society may never reach consensus on controversial subjects; but as individuals, we can resist the urge to blame and criticize. To claim our opponents don’t care about their families. Their country. Our world. We can treat each other with respect, not rudeness.
Less violence, more compassion.
That’s how we give our voices strength, how we lend meaning to the tenets we embrace.
And therefore, going forward – in both my words and deeds – I promise this:
If you can listen to my opinions without cruel words, judgment or prejudice, I will do the same for you.
Even when I’m sure that I am right.
6:00 AM: At buzz of alarm, leap from bed confident that TODAY you’ll work on your novel. (Your NOVEL!)
6:05 Guzzle coffee while checking email for news regarding previous novel. No news. Decide not to worry because the novel you’re writing TODAY is the bestseller. Definitely.
6:07 Check Facebook and twitter. Click on several links but do not read yet. You have IMPORTANT THINGS to accomplish.
6:20 Construct list of many many things to accomplish choosing from standard chores – laundry, dishes, groceries, bills, bank, dry cleaners, dog-walking, poop-scooping, room-straightening. Consider adding coffee-drinking. Decide that’s silly.
6:30 Awaken older child. Prepare his breakfast. And lunch. Consider adding breakfast and lunch-making to chore list but remember you’re not silly. Discover permission slip that needs completing. Skip emergency contact numbers because you will be at home writing ALL DAY. Add permission-slip-completion to list. Cross out because hellyeah.
7:00 Awaken younger child. Make her breakfast which she doesn’t eat. Eat her breakfast.
7:25 Take older child to school.
7:50 Check Facebook, twitter. Check email. Still no news. Click more links. Don’t read yet.
8:15 Take younger child to school.
8:30 Brush teeth. Floss. Consider adding dental hygiene to list. (Silly.)
8:38 Decide you’ll begin writing your novel at 9:00. Check email, Facebook, twitter. Twice. Read open posts. Do NOT comment (because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but you can’t read ALL THE BLOGS since you will be busy writing your novel!). Begin drafting new blog post on hurt feelings in the blog world. Call it blogosphere. Switch to blogisphere. Realize it’s 9:38.
9:39 Decide to begin writing at 10:00. Start laundry load, fill dishwasher, make grocery list. Cross laundry and dishes off chore list. Try to remember if you’ve brushed your teeth. Screen phone calls from friends and family who want to know how your writing is going.
10:00 Open manuscript file. Re-read recent pages. Edit. Remember to change laundry from washer to dryer. Check email, Facebook, twitter. Three times. Close internet to avoid UNNECESSARY TEMPTATION. Return to manuscript and re-read today’s edits. Notice dogs look thirsty. Check their water. They have water. Tell them, “We’ll walk later because I’m WRITING MY NOVEL NOW.”
10:45 Write new paragraph of novel!
11:15 Begin thinking about lunch. Consider asking internet if it’s too early for lunch. Remember internet is closed down. Re-read fresh edits and new paragraph. Read blog draft about hurt feelings in the blogisphere. Decide it should be blogosphere.
11:45 Eat leftover chicken parmesan while standing in kitchen. Check clothes in dryer. Realize you never pressed start. Press start. Put new load in washer. Start washer. Log onto Facebook and twitter to announce you forgot to start dryer. Check email. No news. Still. Yet.
12:30 Text writer-friends. Make plans to meet/Skype/talk about writing.
12:45 Decide you’re too busy to shower today.
12:46 Decide you’re too busy to grocery shop today.
12:47 Realize you have less than two hours to write your novel before after-school pickup.
12:48 So. Check if DVR is set to record Top Chef finale. It isn’t. Visit Bravo channel to schedule Top Chef. Notice Vanderpump Rules is on. Feel disdain for horrible programming. Watch rest of Vanderpump Rules.
1:30 Check email, Facebook, twitter. 27 people have “liked” your status re: dryer failure. Bask in popularity via self-deprication. Google spelling of deprecation.
1:40 Realize you’re still wearing pajamas. Don yoga pants, sweatshirt and running shoes to impersonate someone who has exercised. Or walked her dogs. Do neither.
2:00 Realize after-school pickup starts in 30 minutes. Re-read edits and new paragraph. Edit. Write second new paragraph! Calculate when bestselling novel will be completed at current pace.
2:20 Decide math is hard.
2:25 Be grateful you’re a novelist.
2:30. Depart for school pick-up confident you’ll finish entire chapter of bestselling novel TOMORROW. As soon as you’ve
walked your dogs.
Disclaimer: To those reading – especially my parents, my husband and total strangers – – this post is a joke. Like most writers, I’m a workaholic who never wastes a minute of her day. But as Facebook can attest, I am also a master of self-deprication.
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