Today call me Millay-ed.

February

Today call me Millay-ed. As in Edna St. Vincent Millay. The Pulitzer Prize-winning, bisexual, feminist poet of the 20^th century.

Wait. What’s that I hear? The sound of readers logging off? Please don’t. Instead, bear with me if you’re not already a fan of Edna (or as she preferred to be called in her youth, Vincent), while I present her poem:

“Modern Declaration.”

The syntax is inverted, the diction perhaps a challenge. But, oh. The meaning is, to me, breathtaking.

“I, having loved ever since I was a child a few things, never having

Wavered

In these affections; never through shyness in the houses of the

rich or in the presence of clergymen having denied these

loves;

Never when worked upon by cynics like chiropractors having

grunted or clicked a vertebra to the discredit of those loves;

Never when anxious to land a job having diminished them by a

conniving smile; or when befuddled by drink

Jeered at them through heartache or lazily fondled the fingers of

their alert enemies; declare

That I shall love you always.

No matter what party is in power;

No matter what temporarily expedient combination of allied

interests wins the war;

Shall love you always.”

See? It’s one bad-ass poem. And although written in the previous century, these words have never been more “Modern” or necessary. Ms. Millay is, in short, declaring a few chosen loyalties to be so strong that she would never, under any influence, deride their recipients; that no amount of pressure or insecurity or fear of retribution would cause her to betray those whom she most loves.

How many of us can say that?

I wish I could. But while I may not habitually criticize the people and principals I hold dear, I have remained silent while others did so. And occasionally, to my shame, I’ve participated in the criticism myself.

Have I been too shy to defend my beliefs in the houses of the rich? Yes. And although I’m not generally in the presence of clergymen, I’ve been worked upon by cynics, and clicked my share of vertebrae to please a chiropractic crowd.

If I were forced to flash a conniving smile to win a book contract, I’d be tempted. And I’ve been befuddled enough by drink to abandon my ideals. On a few too many occasions.

I’ve sat quietly amongst those whose political views did not match mine, choosing not to share my opinion, no matter how precious, to avoid awkwardness. I have gossiped about friends because it was easier than finding more worthwhile conversation for common ground.

But starting today? I’d like to do better. To be stronger. To get Millay-ed.

I don’t want to be the creep on Jersey Shore or the hypocrite on the Real Housewives of Anywhere who looks into the camera and blurts opinions (founded or not) about the people in her life. I know. These “ladies” are on television. They’re being compensated with money, fame and book contracts for being controversial.

But there’s nothing productive in their controversies. They’re not standing up for principals or defending allegiances. They’re critiquing breast augmentations and spouting vitriol over tequila shots. And, let’s not forget, writing novels or memoirs that seek to glorify their lifestyle.

I understand the “stars” of these shows have signed up for the hazing. And that those of us who watch are seeking refuge from stressful lives. We’re laughing at not with the foolishness.

But do we set worthwhile examples for our children during the rest of our day? Do they hear us on the phone talking behind a friend’s back? Are they in the presence of a group of women when the one who’s absent becomes the subject of unflattering discussions?

I, for one, am seeking change. I want to look my loved-ones in the eye and say with confidence that “I shall love you always.” I want them to feel the truth in my declaration, to trust that I will not waver in my affections. I want you, my friends, to know that if anyone’s going to lazily fondle my fingers, it will be you. Not your enemies.

And so I have declared it. In a most unmodern way.

In the hopes that you might read this and believe.

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55 Comments to Today call me Millay-ed.

by Sabina Samiee

On February 24, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Julie: Lovely. I read this poem (below) the other day on Garrison’s writer’s almanac, it is so worthy of repeating and echoes your own resolve. Bravo, sweet girl! I absobloominglutely BELIEVE!

Art Sanctuary
by Nikki Giovanni

I would always choose to be the person running
rather than the mob chasing
I would prefer to be the person laughed at
rather than the teenagers laughing
I always admired the men and women who sat down
for their rights
And held in disdain the men and women who spat
on them
Everyone deserves Sanctuary a place to go where you are
safe
Art offers Sanctuary to everyone willing
to open their hearts as well as their eyes.

“Art Sanctuary” by Nikki Giovanni, from Quilting the Black-Eyed Pea. © Harper Perennial, 2002
by Paige Morgan

On February 24, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Wow! You scare me with our parallels! I have spent the last couple of weeks evaluating a few of my friendships. I have known, but failed to face that I have a few toxic friends in my life. I have taken the cowards way – avoiding, playing nice, just wanting to keep the peace. But I need to do better.

No, I am not going to tell them they’re crazy (others have tried), but I am going to make sure I am still my best self when I am around them (I can’t remove them from my life altogether).

Beautiful post – you are amazing!
by Julie

On February 24, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Sabina -

What a coincidence, since I hadn’t read this poem in years. But I suddenly thought of it the other day, how much I loved it and wanted to embrace the ideals.

So nice to see you here. I always appreciate your words. And now, to savor the poem you shared.

Thank you, friend.
by Julie

On February 24, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Paige -

So if we were to meet In Real Life at BlogHer, we could be friends? Yay!

I actually conceived this post after spending Monday with four friends I’ve known for decades. We spent five hours together and did NOT engage in bashing or downtalking of others.

I was proud of us. And happy. Uplifted. But I know this isn’t the case for many others.

Hoping to keep the good stuff going for sure. With old friends and with new.
by Jen

On February 24, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I believe. And I take the challenge, too.
by gigi

On February 24, 2011 at 4:23 pm

This post, like yours always do, really resonates with me. I have been having some major friendship struggles over the last 2 years – they ebb and flow and right now they are intensely bad and controversial and there is a lot of hard feelings.

Sadly, instead of trying to not gossip, I have confronted (which is not in my nature) and boy, that has not gone well. I’m not sure which is worse anymore.

I think in the end, I just need t ofind new friends.
by Julie

On February 24, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Gigi -

I’m always pleased to have my writing resonate with others, but sorry yours isn’t for a happy reason.

I applaud you for being aware, for standing up to what you perceive to be wrong.

I see a lot of comments on facebook or Twitter indicating people are frustrated by drama; hurt and angry with each other. I can’t help wondering why they subject themselves to the negativity.

But walking away isn’t easy either, I guess.

Still you, lovely Gigi, should have no trouble surrounding yourself with beautiful friends.

Of that I’m sure.
by Theresa Sonoda

On February 24, 2011 at 4:35 pm

One of the most refreshing, stimulating and thought-provoking posts I’ve seen in a very long time. New follower and hooked.
by Julie

On February 24, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Thank you, Terri.

So much. So very glad.
by Ms.Wasteland

On February 24, 2011 at 4:38 pm

What an empowering and beautiful post.

This is an area where I know I can strive to do better/be better – for myself and for my kids.
by Julie

On February 24, 2011 at 4:44 pm

That is what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Nice to see you here, Ms. Wasteland.

Your words are inspiring.
by KGM

On February 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Inspiring – truly. But sarcasm is still OK, right? Love it (and you)!
by Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds

On February 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Wow. I know that I already have this unfaltering love for my husband and daughter. Others aren’t quite so lucky. As for ideals, I can’t think of any that I wouldn’t abandon for the good of the two people already mentioned. For me, that is the truest love.
by Julie

On February 24, 2011 at 6:21 pm

So true, Joey. So true.
Nothing like that kind of love.
How lucky we both are to have it.
by Julie

On February 24, 2011 at 7:23 pm

KGM -

Sarcasm is a prerequisite! And we can be as snarky as we want about people in the public eye (they put themselves there…)

I also reserve the right to tease my friends and family about the stuff I’d say TO THEIR FACES (and you know I don’t hold back there – ha!)
by Julie

On February 24, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Jen –

Thanks so much. Glad to be in this together…
by KarenG

On February 24, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Loved the comment you made on my blog post today, it made me lol. So of course I had to come here to your house and tell you so, then I read this lovely poem and accompanying post. To tell you the truth, I don’t have the patience for poetry. But your post explained it all to me quite beautifully!
by julie

On February 24, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Thanks, karen.

Wish I had a giraffe to greet you here…

And I love poetry. But I’ll forgive you. Because you came to check it out yo.
by Logan Vandam

On February 24, 2011 at 7:42 pm

I think this is a real great blog post.Really thank you! Really Great.
by Cheryl @ Mommypants

On February 24, 2011 at 7:46 pm

The truth is I’m just not a deep person. And I say this because what I took out of the poem was, “They had chiropractors back then?”

I hate drama. HATE. IT. Good for you for resolving to rise above.

Am I also allowed so snicker over fondling fingers? No? I’m going to be banned from here, aren’t I..

xo
by Abby

On February 24, 2011 at 8:40 pm

I’ve never been much of a poetry buff–sorry to disappoint(not that you’re expectatations of me are that high).

However, I can relate to the drama stuff. I hate it, too. Like Gigi, I am dealing with a friendship drama. The difference is that the issue is truly worthy of a “Real Housewives” episode-it’s just that absurd.

As a fellow member of the “I Avoid Confrontation & Conflict Club,” I spent 8 weeks confronting & holding this person accountable for her actions, yet I’m still being blamed for her poor choice. I’ve finally resolved to walk away, at least for the time being. Why is making & keeping friends at this stage of life so difficult?
by Diane McEvoy

On February 24, 2011 at 9:10 pm

and I too, “shall love you always.” What a wonderful way for me to end my day. Thanks today and always!
by julie

On February 24, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Cheryl –

You can be my friend forever. Hilarious. I laughed at the finger-fondling, too.

And chiropracty? Who knew? (Is that even a word? I think so…)

We can have wine and giggle in the corner. (and make fun of each other. that’s totally allowed.)
by julie

On February 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm

So sorry, Abby.

All I can say is “Move to California!” WE have no drama here. Well, not much. Well, I don’t.

And I avoid it completely. Then again, I don’t have many friends – ha!

Vent to me anytime. And I won’t even make you rhyme.
by julie

On February 24, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Di -

Big smooches to you, lady. Huge. And if Julia Roberts is ever around, we can totally talk about her.

She’s a celebrity, after all. That’s why she gets paid the big bucks.

Love you, dearly.
by Courtney

On February 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I shall love you always my friend! (I feel compelled to add – “to infinity and beyond” to that.)
by julie

On February 24, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Court –

Because Buzz Lightyear rocks. And we will always cry at the end of Toy Story 3.

It’s the law.

Love you, too, sweet friend.
by Eric C

On February 25, 2011 at 5:31 am

I can see you’re still peeved that Snooki was published before you.
by julie

On February 25, 2011 at 7:55 am

Eric –

Still? Always!

Been thinking about you this week…but facebook hasn’t been cooperating (or letting me on at all) so I haven’t seen any updates.

Hope you’re hanging in there.
Love.
by Kari Marie

On February 25, 2011 at 8:25 am

Julie –

I rarely read poetry but when I do, I enjoy the rhythm. There is something to be learned from that.

This was a lovely poem, and I didn’t have to think to hard to understand it – so even better. Thank you for sharing.

I don’t have kids, but a year ago I looked at myself and wondered what others see. I didn’t like it. So I keep trying. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns, especially when everyone you know still has them. Thank you for being honest and sharing your feelings. Your words have once again made me feel as if I am part of the sisterhood instead of outside of it.

I look forward to your weekly posts. Thank you.
by julie

On February 25, 2011 at 8:46 am

Awww Kari Marie -

You are definitely inside the sisterhood. And I’m always glad when I can get someone into a poem – when he/she isn’t really a lover.

I am a crazy fool for poetry. Wish I could write it better myself.
The stuff I did in college?

Cringe-worthy. Maybe someday, I’ll post it for laughs.

Instead of going for a pedicure – ha!
by KLZ

On February 25, 2011 at 9:54 am

So, I’m struggling with this.

While I generally feel like I do a pretty good job being a good role model for my son, I dislike my inlaws so intensely that I have trouble hiding my feelings for them. I don’t want him to grow up tainted by my feelings but I also strongly disagree with their life views. How do I respect myself without tainting him?

I have no idea. Sorry to spew in your comments.
by Carolina Valdez Miller

On February 25, 2011 at 10:18 am

Thank you for that. I don’t think enough people take a stand like this. Of course, it requires a great degree of introspection, and I wonder how many people are actually capable of such a feat. We often justify our actions (often vilifying others in the process–usually the victims of our own vitriol), and then we pat ourselves on the back for getting ahead in this way. Sometimes, it seems we never truly leave high school. That high school is just the precursor to what’s to come on a much grander scale. It’s scary, really. I think our only hope is to be the kind of people that we wish others would be–that we wish we could be–and hope others will either follow suit, or at least keep their vitriol to themselves.

I can’t watch the Real Housewives. It’s empty and ugly and not something I would want to seek refuge in. There are better shows, better ways to spend my time that don’t make me feel sullied. It’s hard enough not to get sucked into poor, self-serving behavior without being bombarded by images that show us the rewards of such behavior. But truly, strip all the rewards away–the monetary gain, fame, book deals…all the material things, and what’s left? A whole person with love and kindness and friendship and affection? Or an empty shell of a person with a blackberry full of strangers’ phone numbers? You get one life, one chance to leave an impression.

So, yeah. We’d do well to follow Millay’s example. Great post, Julie.
by julie

On February 25, 2011 at 10:21 am

You can always spew here, KLZ -

(that didn’t sound quite right but you know what I mean…)

In some cases, you need to express your feelings – especially if they are in reaction to behavior you cannot support/condone.

If what you’re stating/expressing is not malicious, but simply truth? That’s different.

I think discussing someone/something out of concern, honesty, or self-preservation is different than gossip.

Just the fact that you struggle with this means you’re probably mindful and doing the right thing…

And when you need to spew? come here.
by julie

On February 25, 2011 at 10:32 am

Carol -

I agree with everything you said – I tried to keep my word count down in the post so thanks for adding so much wisdom in your comment.

What you wrote is so true. We can only try to be the person we would like others to be. And we won’t always succeed. But there’s the next day to try again. To be better.

You are a beautiful writer and person…Today, I’m going to try to be like you.
by The Flying Chalupa

On February 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Fabulous. Anyone who throw Millay on their site gets an A+ in my book. And then? To weave in Jersey Shore AND Real Housewives AND lazy fondling? It’s like intellectual porn with high ideals. I puffy heart this.
by julie

On February 25, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Thanks, TFC! (I know your real name, but don’t know the etiquette – if I should use it or not?)

I do try to hit all the important cultural/literary icons in one post when I can.

Some days it comes easier than others -

And any day with intellectual porn is a good day…
by liz

On February 26, 2011 at 7:32 am

Good for you for vowing the make a change! And I think even those of us who are very confident in sticking to our ideals, could use some improvement. I know that I’m pretty good about speaking up, etc, but I know that I let some people get to me more than I should.
by julie

On February 26, 2011 at 9:40 am

Liz,

I like to vow things…We’ll see how it goes…ha!
I’m usually pretty good about this stuff, too (at least since college )but I want to be better. Not sit back and let it happen around me.

And I had to get in a dig on Jersey Shore. Just had to.

Hence, this post. Now, to check my spam!
by keith anderson

On February 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Very thought provoking my dear. Our basically Swedish family has always found it difficult to outwardly express our love for each other. The love is there in acts and deeds. To expand this to a larger group (the world) until we can learn to love and accept all people we will remain in turmoil. It is easy to hug a cousin or child but can we extend that to people we don’t know? When we learn this then the world will know peace.
by julie

On February 26, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Thanks, Keith.

Wouldn’t that be lovely? A world at peace.

Hard to imagine. But it does begin at home…

Loved seeing you last weekend. Thank you again for being such fabulous hosts.

Hugs to Dolores (and you, too!)
by Alexandra

On February 26, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I’m so the opposite of what Edna vows.

I do not declare my undying love. Especially if it’s in a house of those not deserving.

Love is different for everyone. And can be based on emotion, not obligation. I am not afraid of standing alone.

If it’s not my husband and family, and if I’m feeling diminished returns and undeservedness, with someone outside of that circle?

Yeah, well, I’m gone. And not quietly, either.

Not a good thing, I know.

But,there it is: like a faucet.

It’s who we are.

Charmed, aren’t you?

Don’t you just want to get to know me?
by julie

On February 26, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Alexandra -

Oh, but I do want to get to know you. And I’m not sure you’re as different from her as you think.

She says it’s only a very few people who earn that kind of love – and for those people, she will never falter.

I think you are that kind of person.

The kind who would never betray your loved one – even to your detriment.

Of course, that’s just what I think having read your blog and observed you for the past several months.

I think you are intensely loyal. And so is she. And so I seek to be.
by Melissa

On February 28, 2011 at 10:19 am

Julie -

In recent months I have been tested about a dear friend who is experiencing personal struggles in her life. I keep her situation close to vest and protect her name against those who want to make her struggles the hot topic of the day. It has made me think twice about commenting on anyone’s personal life in a public forum or even amongst friends as I have personally seen the pain negative comments can cause someone.
I was not aware of this poem so thank you for bringing it to my attention. It has a wonderful message and it resonates well with my current path of being a better person to my family, friends and to those people I hear about in conversations over drinks, at parties or even in the bleachers while cheering on our children. You’re right, I have two wonderful children at home and have vowed to do a better job of leading by example.
by julie

On February 28, 2011 at 11:16 am

Melissa -

You know I love you, girl. You are a GREAT friend…and those of us lucky enough to have you in our lives are the better for it.

Hope to see you again soon, sweet lady.

XOXO
by Tonya

On February 28, 2011 at 6:51 pm

I agree with Ms. Chalupa and, also with KLZ: anyone who can quote Millay and include crazy reality TV references is genius in my book, and, ditto the in-law hoopla! Ugh! It’s super duper hard!
Awesome post!!!
by julie

On February 28, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Tonya ~

Come around here while my kids are doing math homework and you won’t think I’m a genius… but I do love me some poetry!

And reality TV. Have to admit it…

But you? Made me smile tonight. So thank you ~

Very much.
by erin margolin

On March 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I should declare my love more often. I am not good about doing that. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m scared.

I love poetry and so I love this post all the more. Never ever would I shrink away from mention of a poetess like Millay!
by julie

On March 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Thank you Erin.

So much.

And I loved your post on kindness and karma and paying it forward. Everyone should be so lucky to have you as a part of her day…
by Botut

On March 1, 2011 at 9:13 pm

What a truly awesome and inspiring post for change! My 14yr old daughter and I were just discussing some of the points you made, specifically:

“But while I may not habitually criticize the people and principals I hold dear, I have remained silent while others did so. And occasionally, to my shame, I’ve participated in the criticism myself.”

I’m going to have her read this post – thanks for sharing this!
by julie

On March 1, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Thanks so much, Botut!

Love that I can be relevant to conversations with your kids. Mine are 13 and 11 and I really want to be mindful of what I’m teaching them – now more than ever.

I cracked up at your post with the special adult balloons – oh. my. I, too, was a child of the 70′s, high school/teen in the 80′s. Good times.

Thanks for visiting – will be back at your blog for sure…

(p.s. I love the story behind the name Botut…what a priceless memory.)
by Jessica

On March 3, 2011 at 5:53 am

This is so good, my little ones are just getting to the age where they repeat and I need to get myself in order. Thanks for the reminder that what we do resonates. Great post and something to think about.
by julie

On March 3, 2011 at 7:58 am

Jessica,

I’m still thinking about the post you wrote for Remembe(red) on Tuesday.

So good.

And truly? All of your children are lucky to have you…
by MommaKiss

On March 4, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Oh, the days my boys tell me they will love me forever, I just want to bottle them up. There are surely days that they will say they hate me. Luckily they’re too young still to know any better. Me? I have lost a close one, much too soon, and from that day on – I make it a point to be sure that the people I love know it. And I never waiver.
by julie

On March 4, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Love that, MommaKiss.

So sorry for how you earned your perspective, but what a silver lining to draw from loss:

To never take for granted what you have. To tell those who are deserving of your love that you do, indeed, love them.

Often.

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