Today call me exposed.
Today call me exposed. Not in the literal sense, although – at times – this too applies; but for now I’m referring to emotional exposure. The really naked kind below my skin.
True, I share a lot of myself. Sometimes too much. I’ll confess to attending the gym in pants patched by a piece of my husband’s sock; to being afraid of selling Girl Scout cookies to the friendliest of neighbors. I’ll admit I don’t carry a purse after having left one literally everywhere (New York, Tijuana, the Kennedy Center); to missing deadlines and expiration dates, occasionally on purpose. No one was surprised I drove my daughter to the wrong volleyball tournament, then let her play four games with a strange team from an entirely different league because they were down a player and she’s a good sport.
Yet I know I haven’t spilled the core of it yet. And I’m not sure that I want to. Still, I think perhaps I must as a player in this game (even if I find myself at the wrong tournament in an entirely different league). After all, I am a writer. Or I want to be more than almost anything.
What is it about writing that tempts me to plumb my depths? Maybe it’s not the writing but motherhood that does it. Or being a wife. Perhaps it’s simply a measure of “humanness” to doubt myself. Deeply. To wonder every day if I am enough. If I’ve worked enough, loved enough, cared enough. To worry someone might realize I’m a fraud. That I’m not funny. Or smart. Or motivated.
I think I embrace self-deprecation so I can beat everyone to the finish line of a race that’s marked with the ribbon of my embarrassment; so I can be in charge of my own punch lines. So I can laugh with everyone before I discover they’re laughing at me.
I can’t be alone in this reluctance to put myself out there. To set myself up for judgment. To ask others whether I’m good enough. Or not. When writing, you’re almost guaranteed to meet with more disapproval than approval. At least at first. Before there are book deals signed. Facebook pages to manage. Twitter followers to thank. If. When. Whatever.
When I was lucky enough to find an agent willing to submit my book to editors, I told her it felt like handing over a child for someone else to criticize. Only worse, because my kids sprouted from DNA beyond my control and I’d written every word of this potential disasterpiece.
Then I read a blog post by someone whose book had actually sold (Hooray!) yet she confessed to feeling terror that her book – a lifelong dream – would be treated like a nightmare. By critics, by readers, by the world. I cringed while I read, realizing I would most likely feel that same terror were I fortunate enough to sell a manuscript. If. When. Whatever.
No matter how many doors open, I still feel like an outsider looking in through too many windows to count. Someone else is funnier, smarter, more popular, more prolific. Someone else has done it longer, has more followers, is simply better than I. There’s always someone better.
So the question I ask myself today, the one exposing all my insecurities, my fears and hopes and pain is this: What is good enough and how will I recognize it when I get there? If you have the answer, please feel free to share. And if you don’t, even better.
Then I’ll know for sure I’m not alone.
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22 Comments to Today call me exposed.
by randy
On December 8, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Julie, we could really talk for days about this, so get out the wine. You’re definitely not alone, but you are definitely an awesome person. Anyone who knows you will back me up, and no one is better at being Julie C. Gardner. Keep writing. We’re all enjoying your humor.
by Lisa Potts
On December 8, 2010 at 3:29 pm
You are NOT alone. As I read your post I kept thinking me too. That is what makes the writing community so freaking fantastic. There is always someone that really understands what you are going through because they’ve been there. It’s like a great big hug when you need one. And the free advice shared willingly is like icing on top of the cake.
by Jules
On December 8, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Thanks, Randy. Sorry about Tijuana.
by Jules
On December 8, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Thanks, Lisa. I agree 100%. On the one hand, seeing others in the “writing community” is intimidating – so many are so excellent! On the other hand, it can be inspiring. I’m trying to go with “inspired” as often as I can…
by Deb
On December 8, 2010 at 3:47 pm
I actually have the answer of what “good enough” is and hopefully you will indeed recognize it. Yesterday I was out with my good friend – and your good friend – Karen B. and as usual, we were talking about you. How fun and hilarious you are. How happy and lovely you are. How beautiful and gracious and smart and loving you are. The usual.
Later we starting talking about our kids growing up, and whether we’re doing right by them. We actually ended the conversation with, “if our kids turn out like Julie, wouldn’t we be thrilled?” You know the answer, my dear friend ….
by Jules
On December 8, 2010 at 3:59 pm
Wow, Deb. I’m speechless. Maybe you could raise my kids so they’ll turn out that great? But of course I’m kidding and I appreciate your kind words more than you could ever know. J
by Diane McEvoy
On December 8, 2010 at 6:02 pm
While I don’t have the answer, I know that you are “good enough” and you will meet with success…maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen, of that I am certain. As I travel with you on this writing journey and read what you are writing, there is not a doubt in my mind that your photo will be on a book jacket.
by Jules
On December 8, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Just hopefully not THIS photo (pointing to blog picture). ha!
by Sue L.
On December 8, 2010 at 6:56 pm
I think that you are definitely “good enough.” But I think it is the question that propels us all to go out of our comfort zone, and try something new or difficult. And it’s also what makes you such a wonderful person, because of the kindness and support you give all of the rest of us who feel the same way
by Jules
On December 8, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Thanks, Sue. You are an inspiration (with or without the shark bite). I have definitely tried new things since turning 40 and am glad to have you in my life and along for the ride ~
by Suzy
On December 11, 2010 at 6:39 am
Julie…. you are most definitely NOT alone. You are clearly brave, conscientious, caring, inspirational and… an excellent writer. You ARE good enough to do whatever it is you want to do. And you must never think that there is always someone better at it than you. Nobody does things like you. So, no, there is no-one better than you because you are you… and you are unique.
: )
by Jules
On December 12, 2010 at 10:53 am
Thanks so much for the kind (and generous) words! Can’t wait to check out your blog ~ glad you found mine. J
by Taylor
On December 12, 2010 at 12:07 pm
It’s ironic that as much as I love to write, it’s my biggest fear. I started my blog so that my thoughts could bleed all over it. Apparantly, I’m scared of that…maybe because it’s the truth. So at least you could write your truth down!!
by Jules
On December 13, 2010 at 8:17 am
So true Taylor – planning to do some more “bleeding” amongst the laughing. I’ve always fallen back on humor as my automatic way of connecting with an audience. And there’s humor in my “truth” too – but I think occasionally, I have to get down to what motivates me to BE the way I am in the first place…
Looking forward to checking out your blog. Glad you found mine.
by Robin O'Bryant
On December 16, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Found you through your comments at LBS (I left you a humungo response overthere!) In regards to THIS post, all writers feel it. Every time they write anything. Have you read “Bird by Bird: Some Thoughts on Writing and Life” by Ann Lamott? It is a MUST read for every writer. Seriously, it will change your life!
by Lois
On December 17, 2010 at 1:23 pm
I’m with you all the way. Just yesterday I was thinking about how to answer the following question (and don’t ask why I was considering this, please?): How do you respond to people who say you don’t deserve this recognition?
We are all riddled with insecurities. Embrace it!
by Kari Marie
On December 19, 2010 at 6:50 pm
I was just re-reading through some of your previous posts and felt like I wanted to comment on this today. (Although I’ve been stalking your blog for a little while). I’m new to writing and I feel exactly the same way except I haven’t finished my book. However, I’m already worried about everything you just mentioned! You are not alone. Good luck!
by Jules
On December 21, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Love the comments – please keep them coming – and I’ll be visiting you, too (not in a creepy, stalker-way, though. unless you like that).
by Kris
On December 31, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Writing is such an intimate and personal thing. I don’t think there is a writer alive who doesn’t feel deeply insecure about the reaction his or her words will get from readers. I have found a certain level of success with my blog, but I am scared to death to move beyond that blog and ask for acceptance in another arena.
Scared to death.
Because what if I am rejected?
And that is just so stupid, because who cares if I am rejected?
Except I care a lot.
Sigh.
I think that’s true for all writers . . . deep insecurities and the requirement for enormous courage.
Working on that.
As are you.
Keep me posted!
by Jules
On January 2, 2011 at 2:11 pm
Kris ~ I will try to remember your words. You also advised me (in a reply to your post on Beach Glass) to act as if I’m the only one writing…to never think of the “competition” – brilliant. Sincere thanks to you for taking the time. Always.
JCG
by Nicolasa Stemple
On January 28, 2011 at 12:48 pm
I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already
Cheers!
by Amy a/k/a HonestConvoGal
On March 28, 2011 at 11:02 am
Oh my goodness, I could have written this post. In fact, I have, or versions of it before. It takes big cohones to sit down to your computer and write about your life and hit “publish” and then wait for the comments to come in. I know. And I also lose my purse. Oh, and I leave my coffee everywhere. My 2 year old has taken to remembering where I put it so that when I say, “Has anyone seen Mommy’s coffee?” He knows the answer. So, if it helps, you’re not alone. Pop on over to my neurotic blog any day.
At least you write well. That’s really all that matters. Word.
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